Spilling blood on these pages you might never read, a journal entry

1:34 PM

How morbid it is, to find the will to write in the darkest times. 

This will never be advertised on IG Stories, Twitter, Facebook and wherever, which means, there's a 20 percent chance you'll ever come across this writeup. Let me warn you ahead dear reader, you can take a look at the photos and click somewhere else, because the next few paragraphs will only be about me spilling my guts out because I'm hesitant to talk to anyone, and no ones gonna understand, and there's no one I wanna talk to without feeling vulnerable and helpless so let me scream how I feel on these pages because after all, this blog started with me writing things I can't say. Let's go back to the way it was then, because although this is a public blog, I don't think anyone in this world has the time to read big blocks of texts unless if it was informative and entertaining enough. I'm not even copyediting this anymore.

I can hear the birds chirping, it's 4AM, I have a class tomorrow at 8, boating at 9, it's gonna be a fun day tomorrow, and I can't sleep because I am both excited and sad.

You might be wondering what really triggered me to spill tea, things I should've kept in a corner of my heart in grief. Well, the fact that we've been repeating the same thing over and over, apologizing and not willing to change, it is exhausting and draining and idk, I've had enough. There are just so much stones inside the sack tied to my feet and this is why I have been drowning for a long time. 

Quick background, I was in a dark place for most of my 2018, it was a shock, that I was taken back to a place I was before, that I dread, but sometimes, you can only do so much, so I did try to save myself, so bad that I thought at one point I was gonna die. I saw so much versions of me I never knew existed. I saw a hero, a monster, a victim all in one body. I was embarrassed, I was scared, never told a single soul. I fixed myself, when I could've asked for help, I fixed myself as you continuously destroyed what was left, driving me to apologize for my existence even. I wish I told my parents sooner, everything would've been covered, but no, I accidentally told you and I was trying way to hard to be a big girl, fighting demons alone, had I once again, told my parents, the struggle of a year and more would've been cut to 3 months max. 

Now that I think about it, you were basically all the reasons why I cried this year, and a few sad movies. Maybe that's what happens when you love in extremes, or the wrong person. 

I was suddenly bad at eating burgers. Heck, I was so bad, I wouldn't breathe while eating.
You're glaring at me the whole time, and I was, I was ashamed. 
My clothes, they adored me for the clothes I wore, you stepped inside my closet and I slowly had to wear the same thing over and over cos I was suddenly ugly in most of them. I was good at talking to people, so good that I made so much friends in a span of 6 months after moving here.
Then you came, now I was bad at talking. I kept my mouth shut. I walked over shattered glass to get to you, you broke another glass door because I didn't walk properly, so you had me do it again. 
A year after you, he came back, in waves I thought I could surf, I was a good swimmer, I love snorkeling, but no. They were too big, big enough it swallowed me whole. I was fighting for air and you gave me a hand and I thought you were pulling me out of the water, but you didn't. You pushed my head down and asked why I couldn't breathe. You swam next to my writhing body, my clawing arms, so you could teach me how to swim again instead of taking me out, instead of dragging me back to shore. 

Stop eating sweets. Stop being mean. Its your fault. Its your fault. Its your fault. "I need to relax". "I have to relax". My mere existence is stressing you out. I stopped writing A Glass of Whiskey please because I thought I was okay, I thought. I was wrong. I was always wrong. How can a year make me so incapable? 

I don't know how to end this except that I am so hungry right now, another day is about to begin and I'm never ever gonna spread my self thin to anyone out there. I am proud of myself and what I have achieved, what I have become despite inner battles. I am healing, and no one should get in the way, and if this would mean letting anyone go, I gladly will. 

You Might Also Like