Why I am so heartbroken and open about it.

4:16 AM

Congratulations for making the cut, you made it to my blogpost.

No worries, no one knows, lowkey remember? My choice —and there's no way I'm gonna make it obvious but then they still wouldn't get it either way, so take a deep breath. I'm not throwing you under the bus and I would never. 

So here's the story, I lost my best friend, whom I loved dearly (as a best friend). He has seen every struggle and victory that transpired over  9 months? Roughly 9 months. He has been my adviser for the longest time. I trusted him with my deepest secrets, told him how my day went, he was basically there for me every single day. I remember the breakfast he left in our lobby, the way he'd always pay attention, the smell of leather seats, the orange octopus, the wolf and it made me feel special because he wasn't just there, he cared, if shit goes haywire, I could run to him. When the aircon of my car got busted, he helped me over Facebook messenger telling me exactly what to do so that I could fix it. He was my walking wikipedia too, emphasis on the math formulas. All my semi-drunk calls he'd answer, all my annoying voice mails he'd listen. 

Now all I'm left with is a ghost. I mean we can always move along, but dude, you stopped completely and although it was my fault, friends aren't supposed to leave friends. It's sad whenever I see something funny or scary online, or if I have stories to tell bec I can't share it to you anymore.

It's over, down the drain and you could see the color flushing out of my face, hear me laugh a little louder, smile a little too wide with eyes zoning out. 

"How could I have let it slip between my fingers?" I ask. Why'd I lie, why was I sketchy sometimes? It was my fault and I accept it with arms wide open. It was all on me, and I never saw it coming. One day, after running on 2 hours of sleep, it hit me like a train — good morning, he's gone. I could picture a thousand of them leaving, but never him. 

He was a very decent person who only wanted what was best for me the same way I did too. It's sad how it took me 7 months to realize, 7 months to finally make up my mind. I'm manually counting all the mistakes I did right now and it's embarrassing, so this is the big hit, I will not blame him. It's just sad how he never got the chance to actually know how much he means to me and maybe this all came in a little too late. 

I know I'll get a bunch of "oh really? Are you sure you're heartbroken?" and and "you'll be okay tomorrow!" My friends are used to saying that because it's everyone's perception; that I have always been one to get so infatuated on day 1 but completely out of it by day 7. Because even my mom told me "ma wala na nah by tomorrow, you'll go to MNL." Even my best friends would hit me up and ask "hahah sure na jud ka Mar?" After tweeting some one liners about heartbreak (don't worry I didn't mention your name to any of my friends). I have always been the type to say "OMG! I finally found him!" And take it back right away. 

My boy friends are gonna hoot and call me weak. They usually forget I'm a girl sometimes so I am expecting that already, go ahead, go make canchaw, they can be little boys sometimes. I love these bullies regardless, and they're going to make me drink. 

So how much whiskey is it going to take to make you love me again?  None. And I want you to stop drinking whiskey, because I have, and it's been two weeks. 

Don't go out telling people "I wish you the best" or "you deserve the best" because a person who wants the best for you, is actually the best for you, engrave that in your chest. 

I'm not sure if I should delete his playlist. Budapest, Paper Knees and Broke will make me cringe for sure — oh, and that Portuguese song.  

I'm open about it because it's the most humane thing that could possibly happen to us at this very moment. I don't see weakness in expression, this isn't a waving flag saying I'm single too, this isn't even self pity. I am being translucent because you all see a strong front, I can get heartbroken too, I just don't talk about it, you're right I'm still not going to be romantic and you'll still see the strong front. 

This isn't being pathetic and needy, this is merely acknowledging the existence of pain after a loss. I don't want you to feel bad about this, about me. I almost forgot to mention that this blogpost is for all of us who had their hearts broken at one point. 

Dear readers, please don't come asking me who it is, how it happened, what exactly happened, this is the only story you're going to get. 

I also want to clarify that I am not an emotional wreck nor am I broken. When you see me, you'll forget I ever posted this in the first place. What is maoy? Look at those dimples, they're not hiding! 

I don't know maybe it's the hormones that are driving me nuts but I'm gonna spill it through this platform that it has also been really rough at work for the past two weeks. I've been losing motivation and I can't seem to focus for other personal reasons, plus this comes along — but then, so did the opportunities, all these beautiful ones that are helping me fall in to place. So let me ask you this, do you wanna give up just because 3 big things are in pieces? 

Here's something positive, I went to the doctor by the way and got good feedbacks, meaning I'm getting better! I've been looking forward to this for like weeks already. See? There are so many positive things regardless of the bipolar sunsets, all you gotta do is embrace them. Enjoy the wind on your face. So reader, if you ever feel heartbroken, don't ever think it's the end of the world. Lol it's not, give it a week and you'll laugh about it. 

I remember not wanting to go back after my Manila trip because why should I? I can always opt to go home and live a super comfortable life surrounded by people who do care. But then, why would I want to throw progress out the window? Always learn to re-conquer the city that broke you and toughen up. 

I never knew what I was capable of until I left and did things on my own. 

My takeaways upon this mishap is that traveling heals, surrounding yourself with people who are good for you, heals too. Get lost in a new city, explore, wander. I've learned to face the fact head on that you can lose something and might not be able to get them back, and that is okay. 

That sunsets in the city are still beautiful, that Sundays in bed are good, but creative ones will make you more progressive and you have to get up and do something because staying in will let you remember. Your Saturday nights may not be eventful anymore, you might go back to eating alone 24/7, appreciate the therapeutic silence.

Oh readers, I hope you'll never have to feel insecure, whether you are replaced or dumped, I still want you to sing in the shower. Dance even if the music stops. If you get the chance to cry, please do, let it all out, lie with it, make that mascara ruin your sheets. I wish this was something I could easily do you know, let all spill from my brown eyes. 

You have to remember how "3 dozen roses sitting in the backseat couldn't compare to you."

So I'm not going to think about what if and what could've been because I had my chance, and didn't take it. You should've listened when I said I was going to make things right. But I guess "our last chances aren't meant for today." How disappointing. 

But it's all good, What is bad for the heart is good for the art. There you go, someone came back to paint, someone's writing screenplays again. 

I guess I'll be adding more chapters to "A Glass of Whiskey, Please." 

There, I feel much, much better. 

And please everyone by all means don't call me Ari until you're allowed to.

Romper: Forever21
Denim Jacket: Topshop
Cap: Forever21

Boots: H&M

Photo by: Rocky Roska

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