4:58 AM


He opens the door for you, just like every guy on a first date —except this is your third, or probably even fourth but you lost count because it doesn't really matter.

You're not saying yes, or I miss you, or even I love you. You just go out on dates, because you want company and he wants a lover. 

Going on dates doesn't necessarily mean yes, which is why you're going out right? To get to know each other more? But you don't even talk about yourself, so you listen and eat while he tells you epics and stories that are supposed to make you fall even harder. You wipe butter on your toast, smile at times and fight every urge to pick up the phone. When you get home your gonna feel the same emptiness, realizing how pointless everything is. 

You don't really need convincing. You know the answer already and even 25 more dates will not change that. He gives you time to think, yet all you do is think about the other guy you went out with last night. 

You have been thinking about fixing yourself before you jump in another relationship, but you're fixed, nothing's wrong with you. Now you think that maybe you're just dating the wrong men. 

You say yes, to temporary happiness, temporary escape. You think it heals the pain, it actually does more damage. People aren't medicines. I don't know if it's called cheating? Is being with another guy while thinking of someone else considered cheating? 

You start taking photos, you both look good together, but you keep them in a folder, ready to be uploaded incase your ex boyfriend decides to replace and delete all his photos of you. 

You don't really care if this guy dumps you, because it will actually do you a favor. You dig your head and snuggle on his shirt, hoping for another scent to remember, but you can't smell anything, it's like your senses decided to shut down. 

Then your hotline blings, you check your phone and shrug, it's from him again. You do the "five minute reply rule" swiftly, but then 5 minutes turns to two hours because you forgot he even existed. 

He buys you cake, flowers, a gigantic letter, about 5 balloons; but as you blow the candles, all you ever wish for is a second chance, a chance to be with the guy you never got over. 

Top: Bershka
Photo by: Danielle Gaston

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